Human Monster
by Annoret
Summary: Chapters 23 & part of 24 of Eclipse as told in Edwards' POV. When he disappears with Seth, leaving Bella alone with Jacob, what was going on in his head? Hopefully, I got some things right. First ever fan fic-be gentle.


**Day after Edward's terrible night camping. Sentences in italics are Jacob's thoughts. Chapter: MONSTER. **

**This is my first ever fan fic. In any universe. Please let me know how I did.**

**I do not own any of these characters, or any part of Twilight. Stephanie Meyer does. More power to her.**

I'd spent worse nights.

One of which I rarely allowed myself to think of – the 24 hours I'd thought Bella was dead. Gone from not just me, but from this world. The ragged hole she'd left in my chest……didn't bear thinking about. Even now, seeing my Bella wrapped in the arms of Jacob Black and I could barely see straight through the red haze filming my eyes – seeing them here in the tent, wrapped up together against the cold in a sleeping bag, wasn't nearly as bad as the ragged hole. Hearing her say his name in the night, hearing her sweet voice whisper his name, having _him_ hear it, wasn't as bad. I could endure this. For her.

And last nights' conversation….interesting doesn't begin to describe it.

"_You left because you don't want her to be a bloodsucker. You WANT her to be human. Why are you still here?"_

I'd simply told him. She was my life.

The sun was warming the tent when Bella finally began to stir. Jacob continued to snore quietly, unaware of her squirming. She finally raised her head and looked at me. God knows what she saw in my eyes.

"Is it any warmer out there?" she breathed.

"Yes. I don't think the space heater will be necessary today."

She squirmed a bit more, but was apparently caught by constricting arms as Jacob shifted and mumbled in his sleep.

"A little help?" she asked.

"Do you want me to take his arms all the way off?" I smiled. The thought was entertaining.

"No, thank you. Just get me free. I'm going to get heat stroke."

With pleasure. Jacob's back was to the zipper. I simply opened it. With vampiric speed.

Jacob fell out, his back hitting the icy floor, eyes flying open in surprise.

"HEY!" he yelped, and rolled immediately onto Bella. I heard her breath whoosh from her lungs and grabbed the mongrel off of her, tossing him into the tent poles.

We faced off. Growls and snarls erupted from us both; I shielded Bella, ready to defend her if he lost control. Jacob was trembling all over, the growls emitting from his chest, making it obvious that his command wasn't perfect. His mind reeled with violence. Outside Seth Clearwater snarled viciously in response.

Bella, of course, put herself between us. Again. Would this never end? Where did her penchant for martyrdom come from? A hand on each of our chests, she yelled at us to stop. I wrapped an arm about her waist, ready to pull her to safety; Jacob's trembling began to decrease with her touch, although his teeth were still bared and he continued to focus on me. _Let her see the _real_ you, bloodsucker! Let's GO! _Seth continued to growl outside.

"Jacob?" Bella asked waiting until his attention refocused on her. "Are you hurt?"

"Of course not!" he hissed.

She then turned on me. The anger I tried so hard normally to hide from her was unveiled on my face; I had a fleeting thought that she would be frightened by it. But once again she surprised me.

"That wasn't nice. You should say sorry."

I couldn't help it. "You must be joking – he was crushing you!"

"Because you dumped him on the floor! He didn't do it on purpose, and he didn't hurt me."

I groaned. The mutt gets to wrap himself around her all night, throw his fantasies in my face, _hear _her say his name in the night – a sound meant for _me_ – then almost crush her under his massive form and _I_ have to apologize?!

For her. Realizing that if I didn't at least give voice to an apology, Bella would be upset, I relented. Ungraciously.

"My apologies, dog". The growling outside diminished then stopped altogether.

"No harm done", he taunted, obviously wanting to provoke me further. _C'mon, bloodsucker, do something!_ I'd give him no such satisfaction.

Bella hugged herself against the cold morning; I picked up the parka the mutt brought and draped it over her, ignoring the reek. I was calming myself with the image of my ring on her finger…

"That's Jacob's", she objected.

She needed a hint. "Jacob has a fur coat".

Jacob ignored me. "I'll just use the sleeping bag again, if you don't mind." He crawled around us and back into the down bag. "I wasn't quite ready to wake up. That wasn't the best nights sleep I've ever had." _And she would be mine every night, if…_

"It was your idea", I said as impassively as I could, interrupting that train of thought. He didn't need to know what torture it had been for me.

But he couldn't leave it at that. Then again, he never could.

"I didn't say it wasn't the best night I ever spent. Just that I didn't get a lot of sleep. I thought Bella would never shut up".

Wonderful. I almost groaned. Bella winced. Although I never really knew what she was thinking, I could tell this bothered her. And it wasn't something _I'd _ever planned to tell her.

"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself". Because it was the only time he'd ever get.

Jacob eyed me briefly. "Didn't you have a nice night, then?" he asked, smug. _I'd bet not. Then again, thinking about her in _his_ arms all this time hasn't exactly been a carnival ride…_

"It wasn't the worst night of my life", I replied.

"Did it make the top ten?" He really liked twisting this particular knife…

"Possibly". Jacob smiled smugly, closing his eyes. Time to twist back. I went on.

"But if I'd been able to take your place last night, it would not have made the top ten of my _best_ nights. Dream about that."

Jacob's eyes opened to glare at me. _Asshole._

"You know what? I think it's getting too crowed in here", he declared, ripping himself out of the bag.

"I couldn't agree more", I responded. Next to me, Bella bumped her elbow into my ribs. I made a note to check later and see if she bruised from it.

"Guess I'll catch up on my sleep later then." _When _he's_ not around to chaperone us._ "I need to talk to Sam anyway."

Bella, of course, could not let him go so easily. As he was opening the zipper on the tent, the spasm of pain that crossed her face sent a lead ball into my stomach and would've frozen my heart had it not stopped decades ago.

"Jake wait" - her hand slid down his arm in futile attempt to stop him. He jerked his arm away.

"Please, Jake, won't you stay?" she almost begged. How could he say no? I certainly had a hard time with it.

Cold, hard response. "No." _Tell the bloodsucker to leave and we'll talk about it._

Bella's face reflected her pain and he relented a little.

"Don't worry about me, Bells. I'll be just fine, just like I always am." Forced laugh for her benefit. "'Sides, you think I'm going to let Seth go in my place – have all the fun and steal all the glory? Right." He snorted and stepped through the opening. _A chance to take down a vampire I'm allowed to? No way I'm passing that up. But…_

"Be careful" - Bella was cut off as he left the tent.

"Give it rest Bella", he murmured from outside, low enough that she might not have heard it.

Jacob did not move far away, nor did he phase. _Leave her? Never! _He_ left her – and if I have anything to say about it, he'll be leaving again! _His internal debate raged; stay near her, looking for his opportunity or go and be a hero? Bella despondently looked at the tent door, apparently believing he was gone. She leaned against my side, and we stayed that way for a long time, her warmth leaking into my shoulder, neither of us speaking. What was she thinking? My eternal question. I controlled myself exquisitely, not letting her see how much it'd hurt when she tried to stop him.

"How much longer?" she asked an eternity later.

"Alice told Sam it should be another hour or so," I said bleakly.

"We stay together, no matter what."

"No matter what." I realized the tight tone would alert her to my emotions but she misinterpreted it.

"I know, I'm terrified for them, too".

Glad that she'd taken this tack, I made my tone light.

"They know how to handle themselves. I just hate missing the fun."

Her nostrils flared, and her chin came up. Uh oh.

I put my arm around her shoulders. "Don't worry", I tried to reassure her. Although she still carried the mongrel's scent, I kissed her forehead. I decided to focus on Bella – ignoring the raging mutt still outside.

"Sure, sure." Not reassured. Time to cheat.

"Do you want me to distract you?" I breathed, running my cold fingers down her cheek. She shivered. "Maybe not right now."

"There are other ways to distract me", she said.

"What would you like?"

"Tell me about your ten best nights," she suggested. "I'm curious."

I laughed. She always managed to surprise me…

"Try to guess."

"There are too many I don't know of about. A century of them". She shook her head.

"I'll narrow it down for you. All of my best nights have happened since I met you."

"Really?" Could she truly be that ignorant of my feelings? Still?

"Yes, really. And by quite a wide margin, too".

Pensive Bella. "I can only think of mine," she admitted.

Hope ran though me, uncontrolled. "They might be the same."

"Well, there was the first night. The night you stayed."

Schoolboy glee. "Yes, that's one of mine, too. Of course, you were unconscious for my favorite part."

"That's right. I was talking that night, too."

Oooops. A shadow crossed her face.

"Yes." I agreed lightly, futilely hoping she wouldn't make the connection.

Bella blushed. At most other times, this would call up all sorts of thoughts in my mind, including but not limited to pushing our physical boundaries. But considering the present circumstances, I knew she wasn't thinking about _our_ nights together. Damn that dog for bringing it up….

Whispering now, Bella asked. "What did I say last night?"

I shrugged, not wanting to admit it to her – or even relive it. I looked at the ceiling of the tent. The mutt's thoughts stopped too, listening for his opportunity.

"That bad?" she asked, almost horrified.

"Nothing too terrible." I wanted this subject dropped.

"Please tell me."

I hedged. "Mostly you just said my name, the same as usual."

"That's not bad", she said cautiously.

It was too late to stop this train, apparently.

"Near the end, though, you started mumbling some nonsense about 'Jacob, my Jacob'." The pain leaked through my control. She heard it. I wasn't even sure I didn't want her to. "Your Jacob enjoyed _that_ quite a lot." I worried that, hearing this, she may realize those potential feelings locked inside her heart; that what she wouldn't or couldn't acknowledge consciously was bared in the night, that the truth would hit her. That I may lose her _right now_. Outside, Jacob was almost bursting with hope, seeing victory possible in the very near future.

Again with the surpises. She shifted in my arms, straining to reach my face, and kissed right under my jaw, warm lips sending a wave of love and relief through me. But I still didn't understand…

"Sorry," she murmured. "That's just the way I differentiate".

"Differentiate?"

"Between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Between the Jacob I like and the one who annoys the hell out of me." The mongrel's thoughts abruptly swerved. _At least it gets her to pay attention to me!_ I ignored him again, now that I was back on semi-solid ground. No – solid ground. She'd agreed to marry me. The ground couldn't get any harder than that, could it?

"That makes sense." I decided we needed to lighten this up again.

"Tell me another favorite night".

"Flying home from Italy", she immediately responded.

I frowned. She asked, "Is that not one of yours?"

"No, it _is_ one of mine, actually, but I'm surprised it's on your list. Weren't you under the ludicrous impression that I was just acting from a guilty conscience, and I was going to bolt as soon as the plane doors opened?" I remembered the flight as just that – a flight of my heart. I had my Bella back, and we were going to be safe. The flying of my heart lasted until I realized that she thought I'd leave her again; the earth had come up at me at terrifying speed then. Flight over.

She smiled. "Yes. But still, you were there."

Something between love and exasperation tore at me. "You love me more than I deserve," I told her. She laughed.

"Next would be the night after Italy," she continued.

"Yes, that's on the list. You were so funny".

"Funny?" she objected.

"I had no idea your dreams were so vivid. It took me forever to convince you that you were awake." Which recalled my rescue in Italy; I thought she was my angel, that I was dead and she was welcoming me home, and it took her some few minutes to convince me we were both still alive.

"I'm still not sure", she muttered. "You've always seemed more like a dream than reality. Tell me one of yours, now. Did I guess your first place?"

Abruptly I was reminded of the mongrel outside and without hesitation I answered, knowing he'd be listening. No playing fair…

"No – that would be two nights ago when you finally agreed to marry me."

_WHAT?!?! NO! NO! Marry her?! Isn't it enough you are going to kill her, make her one of you?_ The denials went on outside.

Bella made a face. "That doesn't make your list?" I asked.

Pensive Bella again, but only briefly. "Yes….it does. But with reservations. I don't understand why it's so important to you. You already had me forever."

"A hundred years from now, when you've gained enough perspective to really appreciate the answer, I will explain it to you." The atmosphere outside the tent was getting thick. The denials continued. Jacob was phasing.

"I'll remind you to explain – in a hundred years."

"Are you warm enough?" I asked, hoping she was, as I couldn't do much for her in that regard.

"I'm fine. Why?"

Jacob's earsplitting howl of desperate pain cut through the morning, destroying our little lighthearted distraction. I had known what the consequence of him hearing us would be. What I didn't know was how Bella would react. She tensed in my arms. I chastised myself for not realizing her reaction would probably surprise me, as it usually did. The conversation had naturally flowed in the direction that would most hurt him. But I'd warned him…

The howl finally choked off with an odd sob, and Jacob was gone.

"Because your space heater has finally reached his limit." I took a breath. "Truce over," I added quietly to myself.

"Jacob was listening," her voice too flat.

"Yes." Not hiding. No games.

"You knew".

"Yes."

Her eyes stared unseeingly. I began to fret.

"I never promised to fight fair," I reminded her. "And he deserves to know." I would want to know, if the roles were reversed.

Bella dropped her head into her hands. Back to semi-solid ground…

"Are you angry with me?" I asked quietly, almost pleading with her.

"Not you", she whimpered. "I'm horrified at _me_."

This was not the direction I'd thought this would go, but I had to stop it now.

"Don't torment yourself," pleading with her. Torment _me_, I wanted to say. I deserved it….

"Yes, I should save all my energy for tormenting Jacob some more. I wouldn't want to leave any part of him unharmed." The self contempt pouring out of her was a knife in me.

"He knew what he was doing."

"Do you think that matters?" I heard the tears in her voice as it got louder and louder. "Do you think I care whether it's fair or whether he was adequately warned? I'm _hurting_ him. Every time I turn around I'm hurting him again. I'm a hideous person…"

Bitter Bella, and all because of me and my stupid, sinful pride…

I wrapped my arms around her, trying to protect her from the emotions wracking her small frame.

"No, you're not."

"I am! What's wrong with me?" She struggled against me, and I let her go. "I have to find him."

"Bella, he's already miles away, and it's cold." I tried to reason with her.

"I don't care. I can't just _sit_ here." She crawled to the tent door and began unzipping it. "I have to….I have to…" She was almost incoherent. I followed her out of the tent into the icy morning.

The snow was a bare covering, the wind having blown most of it away. The sun beat down, causing my exposed skin to throw glimmers in every direction. Bella staggered towards the trees and I followed until she got several feet into the treeline. I grabbed her left wrist, stopping her.

"You can't go after him. Not today. It's almost time. And getting yourself lost wouldn't help anyone, regardless." Please, please don't leave me... I wasn't sure I had even the right to beg.

She twisted her wrist in my grasp, but I did not let go this time. She was not going to put herself closer to danger while I could stop it.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry I did that," I whispered.

"You didn't do anything. It's my fault. I did this. I did everything wrong. I could have…When he…I shouldn't have….I…I…" She was sobbing now, blaming herself for what I'd allowed to happen. Again. Would I _ever_ learn? She was too generous with everyone, except herself.

I folded my arms around her. "Bella, Bella." Her tears soaked into my shirt. Tears for him. My heart felt numb. Like the stone it was.

"I should have – told him – I should – have said…He shouldn't have found out like this," she gasped out.

Apart from the time I left her, my next words were the hardest I've ever had to say. But I had to let her have her choice. I forced them out. I'm sure she heard the pain in them.

"Do you want to me to see if I can bring him back so that you can talk to him? There's still a little time." Praying that she'd say no. So I wasn't surprised when my prayers fell on deaf ears. I was a cursed creature, forsaken after all. She nodded into my chest.

"Stay by the tent. I'll be back soon." And before she could blink, before she could look into my face, I was gone. She didn't need to see the pain that I couldn't keep from showing right now. She had more pain than she could deal with.

I followed Jacob's scent through the forest. It was easy, I'd become accustomed to it over the last few months. When he left, he did not go straight for the clearing; I surmised he'd needed some time to adjust, bring himself back under control. That I understood. My few minutes of running centered me as well.

I heard him in my head before I saw him. The rage he'd felt earlier had dissipated somewhat, to be slowly replaced by despondency. This I understood too well. I allowed myself to make some noise, so that he'd know I was there. However, when he heard me, the rage began to resurface. This, too, I understood.

_What's the matter, bloodsucker? She send you out here to hobble me? _He approached me from the north, still in wolf form.

"Jacob, I owe you an apology." Sincere. No name calling. It drew him up short.

_HUH? Oh, another game. I get it. No playing fair, right? Come to gloat? _His pain was hidden under the rage.

"Jacob, she's in tears. Over you. Because of what I allowed you to hear. Even I can't help her now. She won't let me." No keeping the pain out of my voice now. It's what kept him from running directly to the clearing to the brewing fight, the possibility that Bella would choose him and the thought of my pain because of it.

_And what do you want me to do about it? _

"She wants to talk to you. And the choice was always hers."

_She never really had a choice, now, did she? She KNOWS she loves YOU – but she WON'T realize that she loves me too._

"That may be. But you can't leave her like this….I am responsible for the pain she's in now, and I am trying to make it right. I need your help to do so. Even if it means begging you." Words torn from my chest." She's in pain because YOU are in pain. And, yes, her pain is what I need to assuage. But I am sorry I caused you pain as well." And I was. Had I been in his place, the desperate howling would not have stopped. I couldn't help but put myself in his shoes.

He vacillated. His need for Bella warring with his desire to hurt me back – make me go back to Bella and deal with what I'd done. That thought, even though I knew she blamed herself, and not me, made that the number two reason I'd come to find him. Unfortunately, only he could fix this.

Jacob realized that this could be the only opportunity he'd have. He phased back to human and dressed quickly.

"You won't listen in." He said flatly. Not much hope in him….but enough.

"I won't". I said quietly.

"Let's go." We ran. He kept his mind on running, the trees, the ground – not wanting me to see any further. That was fine with me. I'd had enough of his thoughts.

Although we were gone less than 10 minutes, Bella looked like she'd stared to wear a little trail in front of our campsite. Her heart was racing as we approached. I kept my face blank, allowing her to see none of my pain.

Seth approached, letting me know that Alice had passed along a message to Sam. The Volturi…. "Yes, that's all we need", I muttered. I turned to Seth and spoke. "I suppose we shouldn't be surprised. But the timing is going to be very close. Please have Sam ask Alice to try to nail the schedule down better." Seth dipped his head once and headed to the other end of the campsite. I moved quickly to Bella.

"Bella," showing nothing of my pain, just concern. I hoped. "There's a bit of a complication," I said carefully. She didn't need to get more upset about todays' events than she was already. "I'm going to take Seth out a little way away and try to straighten it out. I won't go far, but I won't listen either. I know you don't want an audience, no matter which way you decide to go." I kept it together until the very end, when my control broke.

For once, she didn't batter me with questions about what was going on.

"Hurry back," she whispered, almost breaking my control, almost making me stay to beg….

I kissed her lips. Maybe for the last time. I didn't know. I seared the feeling into my brain. I would never forget. My heart sank. I turned quickly, found Seth, and was gone.

For the moment, Seth's mind was quiet. I turned my thoughts to his mind, finding it kind and generous. He'd seen a version of this story before, after all, with Sam, Emily and Leah. The imprinting the wolves seemed to be bound to also helped; no matter what, Jacob might leave Bella someday – which I'd reminded him of last night. I would be there, waiting in the wings, if that's what it took. His thoughts helped calm me – important if I were going to deal with the "little complication".

Once I was close enough to Alice to hear her mind, I let Seth know so that he could relay messages though Sam. She broadcasted images of the Volturi – with no wolves around to cloud the vision. In the images, my family was all fine – there were two columns of smoke in the sky, at which I briefly wondered. But they indicated that the newborns had been destroyed. The visions of the Volturi were not surprising; guards and Jane, of course. But not arriving until the fight was over. Giving credence to my suspicions that the Volturi would not be saddened over the loss of some members of the Cullen family. Alice also broadcast that it would be very soon….

We started back.

About 15 minutes had passed. Time enough. I desperately needed to get back to Bella – whatever the outcome.

I knew I didn't deserve her. I was a monster, and really, could I have ever expected to keep my angel? I was cursed, unforgivable. These last months with her would be my most treasured moments; I would not be able to actually leave her, but her happiness was more important to me than anything I wanted for myself. If she wanted him, she could have him. I might be able to give her up, if that's what she wanted, but I would never leave. Any part of me was hers for eternity. Whatever she wanted. I would wait for eternity.

I heard Bella's heartbeat from the tent; I wasn't joking when I'd told her I was so attuned to it, I could hear it across distances. She was laying facedown on the floor, a picture of despair. Seth's mind was getting all the details from Jacob….

I sat near her without a sound and started stroking her hair. She shuddered.

"Are you all right?" I asked anxiously.

"No. I want to die."

"That will never happen. I won't allow it."

She groaned then. "You might change your mind about that."

"Where's Jacob?"

"He went to fight." Miserably.

I listened to Seth a moment more….

The scene unfolded, the words that were spoken, the subtle trick, their embrace…. And I thought _I_ didn't play fair…

"Oh." The tightness in my chest…

She sneaked a peek at me from under her tangled hair, then dropped her head again. Her forlornness decided my response.

I chuckled. "And I thought I fought dirty," only grudging admiration showing in my voice. Good. Not the gnawing fear that was eating me from the inside of my chest. "He makes me look like the patron saint of ethics." I brushed her cheek, trying to get her to look at me, trying to get her to see I just wanted her to be happy.

"I'm not mad at you, love. Jacob's more cunning than I gave him credit for. I do wish that you hadn't asked him, though."

"Edward, I….I…I'm-"

"Shh," I hushed her, still brushing her cheek. "That's not what I meant. It's just that he would have kissed you anyway – even if you hadn't fallen for it – and now I don't have an excuse to break his face. I would have really enjoyed that, too." More than she could know.

"Fallen for it?"

"Bella, did you really think that he was that noble? That he would go out in a blaze of glory just to clear the way for me?" Her innocence always pierced me. Bella, Bella, Bella…

She stared at me for a full minute, searching for….what? Not forgiveness, certainly. Anger?

"Yes, I did believe that," she muttered and looked away. She continued to look guilty – the self-hatred coming off of her in waves would've killed me, had it been possible. Good thing Jasper wasn't here…

I laughed softly. "You're such a bad liar, you'll believe anyone who has a bit of skill".

"Why aren't you angry with me?" she demanded. "Why don't you hate me? Or haven't you got the whole story yet?"

"I think I got a fairly comprehensive look." Wow, I impressed even myself with the lightness of my tone. "Jacob makes vivid mental pictures. I feel almost as bad for his pack as I do for myself. Poor Seth was getting nauseated. But Sam is making Jacob focus now."

Bella shook her head, her face pressed into the floor again.

"You're only human," I gently told her.

"That's the most miserable defense I've ever heard".

"But you are human, Bella. And, as much as I might wish otherwise, so is he…There are holes in your life that I can't fill. I understand that." Having children, growing old together, all the things I felt she was throwing away when she made up her mind to become one of us.

She denied it. Again.

"But that's not true. That's what makes me so horrible. There are no holes."

"You love him", I murmured gently. And I can not hate what you love.

I could see her try and deny this. She lost the battle.

"I love you more." Oh, my sweet girl….

"Yes, I know that, too. But…when I left you, Bella, I left you bleeding. Jacob was the one to stitch you back up again. That was bound to leave its mark – on both of you. I'm not sure those kinds of stitches dissolve on their own. I can't blame either of you for something I made necessary. I may gain forgiveness, but that doesn't let me escape the consequences."

"I should have known you'd find some way to blame yourself. Please stop. I can't stand it." She always let me off the hook too soon.

"What would you like me to say?"

"I want you to call me every bad name you can think of, in every language you know. I want you to tell me that you're disgusted with me and that you're going to leave so that I can beg and grovel on my knees for you to stay." Desperate guilt.

I sighed. "I'm sorry. I can't do that."

"At least stop trying to make me feel better. Let me suffer. I deserve it."

"No," I murmured. I deserved worse. She didn't deserve a monster….

She nodded slowly. "You're right. Keep on being too understanding. That's probably worse."

Suddenly, the tension from the wolves and my family filled my head. It was getting to be that time…Bella noted the change in my face, my posture.

"It's getting close," she guessed.

"Yes, a few more minutes now. Just enough time to say one more thing…."

I held onto her memory, her sweet lips, the warmth of her skin, the sound of her voice, for just one more minute.

It came out in a whisper; I didn't have the strength for more than that.

"_I _can be noble, Bella. I'm not going to make you chose between us. Just be happy, and you can have whatever part of me you want, or none at all, if that's better. Don't let any debt you feel you owe me influence your decision."

This got her off the floor, onto her knees.

"Dammit, stop that!" Bella was _yelling_ at me. Was this a first?

"No – you don't understand. I'm not trying to make you feel better, Bella, I really mean it."

"I _know_ you do," she groaned. "What happened to fighting back? Don't start with the noble self-sacrifice now! Fight!" She was just about vibrating with anxiety.

"How?" I couldn't imagine….if she no longer wanted me, there was no fight left in me…

Bella scrambled into my lap, throwing her arms around me. I held my breath. For many reasons. What did she mean?

"I don't care that it's cold here. I don't care that I stink like a dog right now. Make me forget how awful I am. Make me forget him. Make me forget my own name. Fight back!"

With that, she crushed herself to me and attacked my lips with her own. A part of me reeled; she was choosing me?

"Careful, love," I murmured, not really daring to hope.

"No." Did Bella just growl at me? Under any other circumstances, very male parts of me would be responding in kind. I gently pushed her face back.

"You don't have to prove anything to me." Tamping down the hope...

"I'm not trying to prove something. You said I could have any part of you I wanted. I want this part. I want _every_ part." She wrapped herself tightly around me, impatient with my hesitation. But this was no normal circumstance….I gently restrained her. But the hope broke free of it's bonds, surging through me on a crest. However, she needed calm more than anything else right now.

"Perhaps this is not the best moment for that," I suggested.

"Why not?" she grumbled, but gave up, dropping her arms.

"Firstly, because it is cold." I wrapped her gently in the sleeping bag.

"Wrong, first, because you are bizzarely morale for a vampire."

I chuckled. "All right, I'll give you that. The cold is second. And thirdly…well, you do actually stink, love," wrinkling my nose.

She sighed.

"Fourthly," I whispered in her ear, "we will try, Bella. I'll make good on my promise. But I'd much rather it wasn't in reaction to Jacob Black." The reason closest to my unmoving heart. She was mine, still. The hope lit long-dark corners of me. But I didn't want our love to be sullied by too-recent memories.

She cringed and buried her face in my shoulder.

"And fifthly…"

"This is a very long list," she muttered.

I laughed. "Yes, but did you want to listen to the fight or not?"

Feelings were washing through me; relief, love, hope, everything I didn't believe I deserved, right here in my arms. I may just have to rethink that whole "cursed" thing…how could I be cursed when I was chosen by an angel? But I didn't have enough time to really enjoy them before Seth's strident howl broke though the campsite.


End file.
